Let’s talk about people pleasers—those folks who seem to think the world revolves around them. They believe that everything you do should be for their benefit, and if it’s not, well, you’ve failed them. It’s like you’re living in their world, and you better make sure to keep their spotlight shining.
Now, don’t get me wrong, we all like to feel appreciated. But there’s a fine line between a little appreciation and turning everything into your personal show. If you find yourself constantly bending over backward for someone, only to have them act like you owe them for your time and energy—spoiler alert, you might be dealing with a people pleaser.
Here’s what you should look out for with these folks:
- It’s Always About Them: They talk about themselves more than a motivational speaker at a self-help seminar. How your life can be adjusted to suit their needs, how you can help them reach their goals, and how everything you do should revolve around them. Don’t even try to bring up your own needs—unless, of course, it’s to highlight how they can help you.
- They’re Never Wrong: People pleasers never make mistakes, or at least, they won’t admit to them. When things go wrong, you can bet they’ll find a way to twist the situation so you’re the one who’s in the wrong. It’s all part of the “I’m perfect, and you’re lucky to have me” act.
- Guilt Trips Galore: You don’t feel like doing them a favour today? Prepare to be guilt-tripped. People pleasers are experts at making you feel like you’ve committed a crime by saying “no.” They’ll make you feel selfish, unreasonable, and just plain bad for standing up for yourself.
- Questioning You Is Off-Limits: Have an opinion that’s different from theirs? You don’t have the right. They’ll make you feel like you’ve crossed a line by daring to disagree. People pleasers aren’t open to constructive criticism or alternate viewpoints. They’re right, and that’s the end of it.
- They Have Low Self-Esteem (But You Can’t Tell): People like this usually act like they’re the life of the party, but deep down, they’re often struggling with low self-esteem. Their need for constant validation and approval is rooted in their fear of not being enough. But they’ll never admit that, and they certainly won’t ask for help.
- Jealousy Is Their Middle Name: Don’t even think about trying to better yourself. If you start getting ahead, they’ll either try to undermine you or guilt-trip you into thinking you don’t deserve your success. They’ll smile through gritted teeth while secretly wishing they were in your shoes.
- The Self-Proclaimed Martyr: These guilt-pushers are always ready to deliver the bad news, but don’t be fooled—they never share it without spinning it in their favour. They’re experts at turning themselves into the victim, so by the end of it, you’re feeling guilty for not giving them a shoulder to cry on. They’ll make sure you know how tough they have it, and how bad they feel about having to share it with you. Of course, it’s all your responsibility to fix it, or at least to feel guilty for their troubles.
- Divide and Conquer: These guilt-pushers are master manipulators who love to play one person off another. They’re not above telling you part of the story and someone else a different version, just so they can stay in control of everything. By keeping everyone in the dark or at odds, they ensure they remain the centre of attention and the puppet master pulling all the strings. It’s all about maintaining that power dynamic while making sure no one else gets too comfortable.
- Narcissistic Tendencies: If this all sounds familiar, it might be because you’re dealing with a narcissist. These people thrive on attention, validation, and control. They’ll manipulate situations to make sure they’re the centre of everyone’s world, and they’ll use guilt as their favourite tool to keep you on a leash. When they don’t get what they want, they turn into the ultimate victim, and it’s your fault for not giving them what they “deserve.” They’re experts at twisting stories to maintain control, leaving you wondering if you’ve gone crazy—or worse, that you’re the one in the wrong. Spoiler alert: You’re not. You just might be dealing with someone who can’t see past their own reflection.
- Manic-Depressive Behaviour: For some people, the unpredictability of their behaviour goes beyond mere manipulation—it’s part of a larger pattern. You might notice that one minute they’re overly happy and charming, and the next, they’re tearing the room apart with anger or frustration. This emotional roller coaster could stem from manic-depressive tendencies (Bipolar Disorder), where their mood swings aren’t just about controlling you but are part of a larger emotional imbalance. While this doesn’t excuse their behaviour, it can make dealing with them even more draining and confusing. Just remember: their unpredictable actions aren’t your responsibility to fix or absorb.
Why You Need to Be Careful
People pleasers often hide behind the façade of being “helpful” or “caring,” but the reality is that they don’t have your best interests at heart. Everything they do is in service of their own needs—whether it’s validation, attention, or control. You may feel like you’re being a good friend or daughter by always helping them out, but eventually, you’ll notice that you’re the only one giving. They don’t reciprocate, and it’s not because they can’t. It’s because they’re too focused on their own world to care about yours.
So, watch out. If you find yourself constantly apologizing for saying “no” or feeling like you’ve done something wrong when you’ve done nothing but set boundaries—that’s your cue to take a step back. People pleasers can be draining, and the last thing you need is to lose yourself while trying to keep them happy.
Final Thought
At the end of the day, people pleasers will come at you with their charm, guilt, and need for attention, but don’t let them pull the wool over your eyes. You deserve to have your own opinions, needs, and boundaries respected. And if someone can’t accept that, it’s time to step away and focus on your own well-being.
So next time you come across one of these self-centred “helpful” folks, remember: it’s not about you, it’s about them. Don’t let them hijack your life just because they think it’s their show. You’ve got your own starring role to play.
I wrote this blog because I’ve lived through it, personally and professionally. I won’t go into details, but trust me, it’s not your responsibility to fix them, and you don’t have to sacrifice your own well-being just to keep them happy. Sometimes it is just better to cut ties and walk away.
And, as Tigger would say, “TTFN, Ta, Ta, for now!”